Summer Holidays when Mummy is Sad

Today I helped K make a necklace and two masks. We walked into town, spent over an hour at the library, did some shopping, came home and had lunch. We watched Octonauts and Topsy & Tim, read several stories, and had lots of cuddles. I even managed to hang out the laundry and make broken biscuit cake (K was going to help but then decided she would rather make concrete soup and banana soup in the sandpit).

And because I’m in a depression slump, instead of looking at all we’ve done today and being pleased with such a successful, full day, and with the fact that she’s in such a good mood, I am fighting back the tears and arguing with myself because I feel like an utter failure. This is K’s fifth summer. When she was a tiny baby I had mild post natal depression. The year she was one I was still recovering physically after almost dying when we lost her first sibling. And the societal taboo against speaking about miscarriage meant I couldn’t talk to anyone about my experience. I thought it was more important to protect other people from what I went through than it was to work on my own healing.

The year she was two, we moved house at the beginning of June and lost the twins at the end of June, so I was a mess physically and emotionally. I had a lot of help and support for the first week, and then everyone moved on with their lives (as they should).

Last year my depression mostly manifested as numbness.

This year I feel so sad that I’m on the verge of tears almost all the time.Not only have I failed to give her a sibling, I can’t even help her have a good summer.

I know that is not true. She’s having a lovely summer, and although she wants to be a big sister she definitely doesn’t blame me because she isn’t. But this is one of the burdens of depression, for me. It tells me lies about my own life. I know they are not true, but they feel true. And sometimes the feelings are overwhelming.

I don’t think there is anything I can do, except try to practice compassion towards myself. I don’t think there is anything anyone else can do. Most parents find the summer holidays quite hard work as it is!

But I know that I am very far from being the only parent who feels that my illness is causing me to let my child(ren) down. I know with my head that I am not, and I know with my heart that you are not. Don’t forget that social media never tells the whole story, and that is not what it is for. We all use social media to share great pictures and happy times. Some of us also use it to try to express some of the difficult things life throws at us, but many people keep social media for the good bits of life and that’s fine.

Remember that ultimately, love is what matters most. If you’re having a really bad week, everyone you would usually ask for help is away, and you’re struggling to get out of the house at all… your child will not remember that. Make sure you have lots of cuddles. Do whatever you can and celebrate what you have achieved.

And if you read my list of what we did today at the beginning of this post and you were impressed by what you saw, remember that I spent the whole day feeling like a failure. I’m not a failure. I am doing the best I can.

If you are also doing what you can, try to have as much compassion for yourself as you do for others.