How to Help (maybe)

I’m sorry if anyone was upset by my last post. I know that a lot of the unhelpful things people say come from a place of love. When someone you care about is hurting, it’s natural to want to offer comfort or help them find the bright side. But when you have lost your baby, there isn’t a bright side, and your helpful words might be very hurtful.

There are a lot of things you can do to help, though.

1) Be there. Don’t run away. Some people don’t want to mention the loss because they think they will upset their friend. But she’s already upset. Yes, she might cry when you mention her baby. Pass her a tissue. Offer a hug.

2. If you hear about the loss soon after it’s happened, don’t wait till she asks for help because she probably won’t, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need help. Take a meal to the family, or look after the kid(s) for a few hours. For the first two or three weeks (yes, that long) she will probably be in a lot of physical pain and still bleeding heavily. Rest is the best medicine at this point. If you don’t live nearby, order a takeaway to be delivered (let them know it’s coming to avoid duplicates).

3) Send her something lovely. I received chocolates, cake, flowers, pampering goodies and colouring supplies and they helped more than I can say. And you don’t need to spend money. A text, a letter, a message on Facebook: these are all good. Anything but silence.

4) If either of the bereaved parents needs to cry at any time, support them. Offer a tissue, tea, chocolate… There isn’t a time limit on this. I haven’t had a new loss for several months and sometimes I still just need to cry.

5) Remember the missing child(ren). It doesn’t matter how long ago the loss was. Even if it was eighty years ago, if you ask a bereaved mummy how old her baby should be, she will probably be able to tell you.

(Gracie Wren should be 21 months old. Nearly two! I wonder if she would be using sentences yet? What would her favourite book be? Would she be mad about cuddly toys? Would she be a boy or a girl? Would he prefer cars or dolls?

The first chemical pregnancy should be nearly sixteen months old. Staggering all over the place on chunky legs, covered in bruises from random tumbles…

Second chemical pregnancy should be ten months old. We’d be starting to think about a birthday party! Would he or she be crawling, or would they reproduce big sister’s crazy bum shuffle?

Oh my little twins. They would never let me go full term with twins, so you’d be eight months old. Eight months! We’d be marvelling at how you got so big. Would you be cruising? Would you be climbing onto big sister’s trampoline? Would Peekaboo be the best game in the world? Would you conspire to keep Mummy and Daddy awake all night long?

And I should be holding my tiny newborn.)

Remember the baby’s due date, if you can. A “thinking of you” text on that day will mean so much, more than you can possibly imagine.

6) Don’t expect your friend or loved one to get back to normal. Don’t wait for her to recover, because she won’t. There will be a new normal, but she is not and never will be the person she was before. There will be plenty more good times. Love and laughter will help her recover more than anything else. But she is not the same.

7) You know the person you love better than I do. For some, the whole process of baby loss is intently private and they need most of all to be left alone (although she might still need help with her living children). Flowers helped me a lot, but I know someone who was horrified by a gift of flowers because they die, and so did her baby. These are ideas, not instructions.

8) Finally, anything that a bereaved mother tells you about her baby is important. Memories are all she has. For miscarriage and pregnancy loss, there are no photographs. If she tells you something about her pregnancy, including about the circumstances of the loss, that’s a precious gift.

Yes, I am including my words on this blog. Sharing my memories of my precious babies, of their brief lives and unforgettable deaths, is my gift to the world. If one person feels less alone; if one person learns what not to say; if one person can really help someone they love because of what I write, it will be well worth the tears and headaches.

So please, if my words resonate with you, share them with your world.