How Not To Help

When you have a friend or acquaintance who is living with baby loss, or any kind of bereavement, it can be really hard to know how to help. Many people instinctively want to make things better, so they try to offer comforting words. Here are some of the things people have said to me: people who really care, and who want to help me feel better.

“God needs your baby more than you do.”

“There must have been something wrong with the baby.”

“God never sends us more than we can deal with.”

“God knows you’re strong enough to cope.”

I’m assuming that if you are reading this, you really want to help your bereaved friend, so I want to break down why these are not helpful. I don’t want people to feel bad for trying to help – quite the reverse. I do want people to think about what they are saying.

“God needs your baby more than you do.” This is insulting to God and to me. It suggests that God is so weak that he needs to steal unborn babies. The natural and sensible response to a God like that would be to run far, far away, not to worship Him! I personally do believe that my babies are with God in Heaven, but that is because God has the power to redeem everything, not because He is so desperate for worshippers that He causes death.

“There must have been something wrong with the baby.” Well, yes, clearly there was something wrong or the baby wouldn’t have died. You probably wouldn’t think of telling me that grass tends to be green, but that won’t make me sad the way this does. My baby died because there was something wrong. I never had a chance to see or hold them. This is an immensely common tragedy that happens to a lot of people. That doesn’t make it less tragic. It just means that an awful lot of people are walking around with part of their hearts missing.

“God never sends us more than we can deal with.” “God knows you’re strong enough to cope.” Look, have you actually read the Bible? (If you’re not a Christian, fair enough. But presumably, if you aren’t a Christian, you won’t make the mistake of thinking this is a good thing to say.) The Bible is full of people who can’t cope with their lives. I’ll mention a few, but there are many.

Abraham and Sarah can’t cope with the long wait for the child God has promised them, so Abraham impregnates Sarah’s servant.

Naomi and Ruth can’t cope with no food and no reliable way to get any, so Ruth tricks Boaz into marrying her.

God speaks directly to Moses and gives him specific instructions, and Moses is so scared of the whole business that he can’t begin until he has Aaron to do the talking for him.

Elijah suffers from serious depression and asks God to kill him. Elisha panics when some young men make fun of him and sets bears on them.

Jeremiah spends most of his life fleeing persecution and death threats.

None of these people can cope without God and neither can I. Not being able to cope is not indicative of weakness, it’s a sign of humanity.

You may be wondering whether there is anything that it’s safe to say. It’s always safe to say, “I’m sorry.” If that feels inadequate, you could say, “I’m so sorry, that’s awful.”

If you really do want to help, there is a lot you can do. Come back soon for a more cheerful post about how you can help.