Baby Loss Awareness Month is over. The people who are reading this are probably in one of two groups. There are those who learned a lot, who lit a candle, who have wept with those who weep, who are a bit sadder and a bit wiser than they were a few weeks ago, who can now forget how common miscarriage and baby loss is and get on with their lives. If you are one of these people, I am not telling you that you’re wrong to do so. No-one who doesn’t need to should live in constant awareness of other people’s grief.
But those of us who can’t forget about it, those for whom this is our every day… we can’t put it behind us. There is no moving on from baby loss, there is no recovery. There is only moving forward, bearing a burden that for some of us is very heavy.
If miscarriage and baby loss are not part of your life, what can you do about it? Quite a lot, actually. Here are just five things that can make a big difference.
1) Remember them. A miscarriage isn’t a “failed pregnancy”. It isn’t an exam we didn’t revise for. These are our children. We don’t get to live with them, but they were wanted children. They were dearly beloved for the whole of their lives and they are still both dear and loved. Their lives matter.
2) Don’t be afraid to mention them. Maybe you avoid mentioning my losses because you don’t want to remind me, because you’re afraid you might make me sad. But I won’t ever forget. Mentioning them, saying their names, tells me that you remember, you care, that you take them seriously and think of them as real people.
3) Let me talk or be silent. Follow my lead. Sometimes I need to talk about my grief. Sometimes I am overflowing with things to say. Sometimes I can’t get any words out. Please accept whichever one it is. Letting me be myself with you is an immense gift.
4) Don’t be afraid of my tears. They are very near the surface these days. Don’t be put off if you say something kind and my eyes fill with tears. Those are probably happy tears, because you remember and you care.
5) Don’t try to cheer me up. Sometimes there isn’t a bright side. I know this one is counter-intuitive. It’s a human instinct to want to cheer people up when they’re feeling bad, and even more so when it’s someone we care about. That’s why so many people urge me to be thankful for what I have. But here’s the thing: gratitude and grief are not opposites. There are a lot of good things in my life and I’m very grateful for them. And also, I live with grief, depression and PTSD. Reminding me about the good things in my life doesn’t distract me from the difficult things. It makes me feel that I can’t talk to you about the things that are hard, it makes me feel that my grief is an imposition on you. So you will probably hear less about my grief, but that just means you are one more person who needs me to bottle it up.
None of these five things need to be onerous for you. I’m not trying to make you work hard. But these small actions can make a very big difference to the people in your life who are living with grief and loss, for whom October is both an oasis of light and a constant reminder of the sadness.
Joy in the Mourning 