This evening at seven o’clock, many people will light a candle in their homes in memory of their lost children. Others who have not experienced loss directly will do so in solidarity with those of us who live with loss.
And many people share images of their candles (or any candles, if they’re not in a position to light real ones) on social media. This can be immensely powerful. For a short time, the world comes together to remember all our precious little ones.
But this evening isn’t actually for us. It isn’t for our babies. It’s for you.
For you, the lucky ones who get to parent all the children you conceived.
For you, the child free by choice.
For you, who want to have children but haven’t started that journey yet.
You absolutely have not done anything wrong. It’s great that you can live your life every day without thinking about miscarriage, pregnancy and infant death. These are terrible things and they’re not fun to think about. I am absolutely not trying to imply that you have anything to feel bad about.
But we haven’t done anything wrong either, and we can never stop thinking about it.
The image at the top of my blog, the picture of a row of angels, is in our kitchen, on top of the dresser. They were painted for us by a friend of a friend in memory of our angels, and we keep them where we can see them many times a day. Not because we need to be reminded, but because they are part of our lives anyway, and it helps to have a visual presence. Not all bereaved families find the imagery of angels helpful, but many do.
K doesn’t ask or talk about them much, but she has told me more than once that Mummy made angels and they never go away.
I am not the only person who is trying to break the taboo against talking about baby loss, one conversation, one blog, one Facebook post at a time. Because it is a taboo, you who live your lives free of its shadow probably have no idea how common it is.
Please take the time, this evening, to think of those you know, and those you don’t, whose lives have been changed forever. Baby loss divides your life sharply, into Before (the world was full of pain and darkness) and After. I hope that very few of you are living Before. If you can, light a candle tonight, of post a picture of a candle, and think of us who are now, and always will, be living After.
Joy in the Mourning 